Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Looking Back, Moving Forward

I had a birthday ten days ago. Maybe because of this, and because I am immersed in the brain-wracking process of working out of a whole new series of large-scale paintings, I've been in something of a solitary, reflective mood. I'm not much fun to be around when I'm like this.
After a few months of travel, I've withdrawn to the comfortable isolation of my studio. When I'm not working or sleeping, I'm thinking, not just about the technical demands of getting the images in my head onto a canvas, but also about an exciting, yet tiring and emotionally draining three years during which nearly every assumption I ever had about art and life has been turned on its head.
In some ways, it has taken more from me than I might have been ready to give (but then, who knew?). The money and attention have been welcome but for a time, I lost sight of myself and the things I really cared about. I've regained a necessary sense of self but to do so, I've had to disconnect from a family I once thought of as close and several friends who called themselves 'life-long' – or, rather, they did when the life I had with them looked like it would remain the same.
My life now bears no resemblance to the life I had three years ago. I'm not even remotely the same person I was then. When I first set out, without a map or compass, on what I knew was going to be a long, difficult journey, I figured I would find a well-worn track that would lead me to where I wanted to go. I didn't. As a result, I've occasionally been lost and very afraid. Still, I wouldn't trade the mad, fucking adventure of it for anything.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good to hear that you have adjusted again and developed a healthy perspective for the time being Hazel.

Can't wait to see what the new gear looks like! Still a fan because of the last three years, not despite them.

Happy to read all is well,

Sean Beard.

Daniel Sanger said...

Sounds like you're steering your life into some new and exciting directions. It's strange how time slowly changes a person. I find if you see a friend after a long period of time, that's when you can really tell that you've changed. Your gradual growth over the years is more evident when placed with a friend from a few years back. If that makes sense:)

drips of paint said...

congratulation for a journey well taken ....

and sure there are many more ahead...best wishes to you

Anonymous said...

The most difficult thing about personal change is allowing others to change also. You can often lose life-long friends when you lose respect for them and their own journey. I hope you reconnect with youmily.

crybaby said...

just any little walk on part of any life you lead would be alright with me.

faunawolf said...

Isn't it interesting how we shed people as we ourselves shed the layers of who we used to be?

A true friend is someone who loves who we are, knows who we've been and is eager to see who we will become as we continue to grow.

Your work is incredibly inspiring, as is the journey you've taken to get to this spot.