Friday, September 05, 2008

Visual Valium

I am depressed. It's not any one thing. It's a series of them, all intensely personal. I haven't done much work for two or three days. It's all I can manage to try to get to grips with the mounting disorder of my studio and office. I don't want to talk about it.
In my worst moments, I resort to visual valium. I look at fashion online. Usually, I don't look for anything particular. Hell, I'm so bloody picky that even when I do, it's rare that I actually buy. I find it soothing to scan the shapes, textures, and colours – materials that look good to touch and colours that will set off the few pieces of organic-looking jewellery I wear. It's a simple, self-indulgent exercise: completely superficial and devoid of meaning or the desire for human interaction. The clinical, thumbnail colour photographs and raw specifications of each product are absorbing, calming.
I try not to think about the uglier aspect of such avid consumerism – a culture in which, more and more quickly, we create, use and discard in the pursuit of status, superficial identity, and self-gratification – just as I try not to think about what's really troubling me. Call me shallow but I just want the soul-less, beautiful surface of expensive fashion accessories to render me numb.


artcanyell said...

Maybe you are feeling withdrawal after the buzzy high of "Porno" with the deadlines, the pressure, the anticipation, the attention, the exhiliration, the power, the excitement, the recognition, the sense of fulfilment. Then you get off the roller coaster and have to let it all go. The ephemerality of everything, getting back to every day life and its chores could be depressing you.

However your every day life would be much more exciting than mine so that can't be it. Although I can relate because every morning at work it takes me ages to get into a productive mood. Its only because I am an employee and need my job that by 11am I pick up pace and get quite a lot done by end of day. If I didn't have my employer's needs driving me I would just let the hours pass sleeping more, surfing the net and browsing city shops which activities are definitely drugs of addiction.

Art is Moving said...

love your honesty!!!

d.edlen said...

We all need an escape, but is it still an escape if we analyze it, recognizing it as such and noting the evils of indulgence?