Friday, July 03, 2009

Here Be Monsters

If you've been wondering why I haven't written about myself as much as usual, lately, it's because I can't stand my own company. My mood has been – to say the least – labile. I've managed to work reasonably steadily since Monday but more than once, I've had to resort to the crisis centre at my local hospital for help. The worst has been what the psychiatrists term 'rapid cycling'. Within just a few hours I can zig-zag from being acutely focussed and productive to frantic, self-destructive and unable to cope – then back again, wreaking havoc on everyone (and everything) around me. In between, I'm drained and exhausted.
Medication helps. So does sex. I suspect I do too little of either to sustain their benefits. If I'm not drawing or painting or dealing with the myriad details that clog the intersection of my art and business, I'm in bed. Asleep, I don't have to deal with a damn thing, especially my own damaged self.

12 comments:

Sheree Rensel said...

Welcome to my world!

B'jae said...

it's a delicate situation.
Although it's amazing how supportive and patient people are.

Septic Monochrome said...

I too must slay dragons on an almost daily basis. Even when my sword is slick with blood they just keep rearing their ugly heads. It is an exhausting and for the most part futile conflict. I am a lone wolf, I touch no one and no one touches me. I choose this life to avoid the pain of the past. If I've learned one thing it is that child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime. With the help of my tats (Shame and Guilt), I take one step at a time to regain control and keep myself between the shores. Best wishes Hazel, you are in my thoughts.

andrea said...

It's a juggling act. I find that work is necessary to keep the biggest dragons at bay but it's those mini beasts that appear on a daily basis who need to be constantly outfoxed. It can be exhausting.

PS I always look forward to Taschen's catalogues in my snail mail.

Monique said...

sorry that you're having a real crappy week.. It sounds pretty bad, BUT it sure is nice to know I'm not alone in the utter crapiness.

IFP Handbook said...

Also being the owner of a Broken Brain, I sympathize and shudder. Rapid cycling is the worst.

Hang in there. I am thinking of you and (as dorky as it may sound) holding you in the light.

Sarah Marie Lacy said...

Ughh.

Monsters or skunks, either way they're damned stinky.

I sleep when I can't take it anymore either. It's easier to just stay in bed some days.

Hopefully there's light at the end of the tunnel soon. With any luck, it won't be a train.

Hugs for the shittiness of it all.

fstopr said...

"I hear you singing through the wire..."

Take care and keep working.

;-)

Dimitrios Art said...

I am sorry to hear that.

Anonymous said...

http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=100994546505&h=4ThW-&u=LvPc0&ref=nf

no one has bigger monsters than MJ had... this article sounds like the truth to me. So refreshing to read something unhyped & PR driven on this issue.

vg

Anonymous said...

Hi Hazel,

Good luck getting through this.
I'm sure you'll be able to take what life throws at you and you'll feel better eventually.

Best,
C

alenafresquet said...

Madness and creativity come hand in hand. I would not trade my madness for the monotony of being normal. Can you imagine this energy working at a bank.
I would love to recommend two books that touch upon the issue of Bi-Polar disorder and the creative mind. The first one you can read in a day and it will get you laughing in no time. The second explains the why’s of the creative mind. The author is an eminence on the subject and suffers the disease herself. I read the book during one of my worst episodes ever. It was very helpful.
*Unquiet Mind: A memoir of mood and madness.
*Touched with fire :Manic- Depression and the Artistic temperament by Kay Redfield Jamison
I have learned to embrace both states along with the alternating gear (irritability)med free.
Namaste,
alena