After writing yesterday's entry, I decided to let my imagination run wild with some ideas about what might unfold for art and artists over the next ten years. These are the outtakes:Artists will be the new pop stars. They'll have to tour constantly to promote their work as well as be subjected to the same sort of intrusive coverage by paparazzi as Kid Rock or P. Diddy. Bi-sexuality will continue to be trendy and Sam Taylor-Wood will dump her young husband to take up with an aging Megan Fox, whom she'll cast in a re-make of The Hours. After subjecting myself to Orlan-esque body modifications, I will become art's answer to Pamela Anderson – or Kim Kardashian, whichever.
In a reversal of a trend begun by Julian Schnabel and less successfully, Robert Longo, in the '80s and sustained by Sam Taylor-Wood until this year, film directors will aspire to become artists rather than the other way around (come on down, Tim Burton).The mainstream audience will become increasingly art-savvy and Kevin McCloud will switch his attention from architects' and home-owners' Grand Designs to their aspirations as collectors. Unfortunately for artists, they'll be more discerning and demand more depth, development and relevancy in the work they actually buy.Due to the loss of rudimentary artisan skills, a tragic by-product of a thirty year emphasis on post-modern theory rather than traditional, centuries-old practice, art schools will become irrelevant and be replaced by free, widely distributed, web-based, autonomous learning resources. Artists will re-learn 15th century skills and techniques through [gasp!] experimentation, practise, online research, and by viewing work by fellow artists. Artspeak will only exist in academic libraries. The language died when a wider audience learned to translate it and discovered the banality of its messages. It will be studied by ethnologists as an anachronistic but doomed fad that owed its existence exclusively to conceptual art. What used to be regarded as conceptual art will now be mainstream and the exclusive domain of advertising agencies desperate to try anything to reach mass audiences after the death of broadcast TV and newspapers. Glossy art magazines will have replaced interior design magazines as the 'pornography' of the middle class, who will pay a premium to display them as paper editions on their Marc-Newson-for-Target coffee tables.Takashi Murakami will become increasingly jaded as his ideas about democratising work are reduced to soul-less, auto-industry-style production lines. He will commit public seppuku in the foyer of the Mori Art Museum in Roppongi (Tokyo) in a bid to restore his honour as an artist. Damien Hirst will pre-sell by auction a range of artworks to be manufactured after his death. One of the works will be his dead, dissected body preserved in formaldehyde. He will organise a world-wide, touring retrospective exhibition featuring his decaying corpse as its centre-piece – to be launched immediately after he passes away. E-Bay rather than Sotheby's will handle the Hirst auction and in conjunction with Matthew Freud and Jay Jopling, will hype the event to drive up prices: indeed, the works will be auctioned several times over, for massively increasing amounts, even before Hirst dies. He will retain ownership of a small percentage of each work so his estate might participate in the rising value forever.Dames Tracey Emin and Germaine Greer will establish an arcane cult that worships and sexually enslaves young men. Neither will see any irony in this. An ancient Jeffrey Smart will be invited to preside as High Priest over annual rites at an undisclosed location in Tuscany. (Thanks to Italian singer-songwriter, Lucio Dalla, for the title.)