Saturday, June 26, 2010

An Uncertain Journey

I haven't felt like writing lately.
My father has been in hospital for several weeks, fighting the latest round in what has become a long, hard and maybe losing battle with cancer. I have temporarily relocated to Brisbane from Sydney so I can spend time with him. It's a selfish act. I cling to a frayed thread of hope that he will recover but I'm also acutely aware that our time together is limited. I want to savour whatever is left.
I'm still working. And yet things have changed for me – and are still changing – in ways I could never have predicted. It's confusing, heartbreaking, revelatory and a thousand other things for which I have no name.
Usually, I would process this maelstrom of emotions and observations – both beautiful and horrific – in my work. But right now I don't want to paint or draw or photograph anything to do with my life. It hurts too much and it makes it all undeniably real. This will change. It's inevitable. I make art in order to function. I make art as a way of purging thoughts, feelings, visions and memories from my head and to give myself some relief.
At some point, I will make art about this time. What I don't know is if I'll ever show it to anyone.

6 comments:

Mike Wood said...

I lost my father to cancer 10 years ago this month. And while it was a fight it was one that he did lose. It is always, in some respects, tougher on those around the person. As you say, it will change in time. And any artistic expressions you will ultimately make are for your own healing. Your own group therapy.

My thoughts are with you.

ABCcreativity said...

sending lots of love and gentleness your way.

bruna said...

my heart for you, hazel.
and also many hugs from an admiring stranger.

Karen Martin Sampson said...

I lost my mother to Alzheimer's five years ago and my Dad went three years ago - I had spent time caring for them before they got too ill for me to deal with it alone any more. My heart goes out to you in your pain as I understand it all too well. I did a painting that was supposed to be about birth but it ended up being about my mother (and my father) being lost in their dementia and being overcome by it right up to death.
I was amazed when someone bought it - they said they felt the power in the image (not a pretty image).
Art is a great healer.

Nic Hohn said...

I get it.
Stay true to what you are feeling, be kind your yourself....

Zoe Tan said...

many blessings :)