Friday, April 13, 2012

Darkness Visible

I have been admitted a private psychiatric hospital in Brisbane.
Despite (or, perhaps in part, because of) an intensely productive period in my painting, which has led me into some of the most interesting works I have produced in a decade, I have struggled with an insidious and not entirely explainable madness. Over the past several months, it has eroded my ability to function, even at a basic level. I have lost close friends. I have lost opportunities. I have lost my self.
This is the second time in two years that I have had to retreat to a hospital. The first, I was perhaps less mad but a lot more volatile. I destroyed a year's-worth of paintings and sketches in my Sydney studio before others intervened. I spent ten weeks quite literally locked away. This time, my art was safe but not those closest to me.
I will be here for at least three weeks. I will probably not draw or paint. Instead, I will write and document some of what I am experiencing. I am not looking for sympathy or to share (I am so not that kind of girl). I am trying to keep track of where I am now and how I came to be here. Somehow, putting it all in public ensures I can't ignore it or pretend it isn't real.


Daniel Edlen said...

Be well, Hazel.

Anonymous said...

there's something very important about the last part of this post. Well, its all important... but there's something about being responsible because of public disclosure. It keeps you a part of things even thought you might be apart from them. I send you kind thoughts. :)